I will never use the Tide pump again.

I had never even planned to, really; my sister, who works in retail, bought it on sale and gave it to me when she discovered that it wasn’t compatible with her washing machine (very generously, I might add; thanks, sis!). Now, we usually buy more eco-friendly detergent (Method is my favorite) but we’re not about to both waste a perfectly good jug of detergent or waste money when something has already been purchased.

But after using the pump, I’ve realized just how awful it is. I should have remembered; my mother used to use it (I think she still might, even) and I couldn’t stand it when I did laundry as a teenager. And I think it all comes down to a big, fat laundry conspiracy!

You see, when you use the pump, you’re supposed to put it in the little cup to measure out the amount of liquid. The amount the cup says you need, of course, is usually more than you really do need—that’s simply the first way the conspiracy to get you to buy more soap works!

Then it gets you with the cap itself. I don’t know how many of you mindfully do laundry, slowly and carefully, measuring every bit, but I don’t. Sure, I’d love to live in the moment, but I’m usually multitasking when I’m doing laundry, so I often pump more than I need into the cup. Now how do I get the extra back in? If it were a simple pour-and-go jug, I could pour it back in and be done with it; but nope, it causes a mess (I have had goop on my hands every day this week), and it’s pretty hard to pour back in, especially if you keep your detergent on a shelf that’s taller than you are (like I do).

After this frustration, the laundry-doer may simply resort into pushing the button and releasing the fluid straight into the washing machine itself—yet more waste and more laundry soap needed after the “approximate” values of the soap are continually used!

Seriously, Tide (and whatever other companies make this type of bottle) really knew what it was doing when it went for this model of laundry soap delivery. It’s a pretty deceptive, ingenious way to get you to use and spend more every single month—a total conspiracy!

All joking aside, though, I really don’t recommend this stuff. Not only is the scent super strong (and likely super bad for your body and whatnot), it also makes the biggest mess I’ve ever seen in my laundry room. Goopy detergent just runs every time I use the stuff, no matter how hard I try not to spill; and I’m doing laundry in between phone calls, work, and caring for a family, so I need something I can use quickly without having to be careful and clean up.

Next month, we’re going back to Method (or something else that I can simply pour and be done with)!