Two stories come to mind when I think about cleaning my kitchen counters; one is a story written by David Sedaris in his collection, Holidays on Ice in which he describes a mother who mumbles obscenities to herself as she tries to scrub sports out of her kitchen counter. The other, of course, is Macbeth, and the infamous line: “Out, damn'd spot.”

The spots on my counter are ruthless and none of my elbow grease--which admittedly not quite as strong as it could be--or my usually infallible cleaning solutions with bleach are making a dent in my formica-style kitchen countertops. The spots are of my own making; I made the unforgivable and absolutely unpardonable error of leaving a coffee can on the counter overnight. 

Let’s all sing it together now. Instead of using the tune, “Ring Around the Posey,” I’d like to use the new and unimproved version of “Ring of Coffee Around the Counter.” 

When guests come over to visit, I hide the ring with my large, orange and white cutting board in high hopes that none of them will peek underneath to see what lies beneath. I’ve thought of calling in a professional cleaner to get the spot out. But since I live alone and in a small place, I can’t consider a professional cleaner as a serious option. What would the neighbors think of me? 

I need the advice of someone with more cleaning experience than I have. From someone who is the cleaning equivalent of a Superman, Wonder Woman, or Super Girl. I need a better cleaning solution in addition to strategies to protect my countertops from unsightly spots in the future. 

Otherwise I’ll never be able to show my countertops to anyone but my immediate family, and even then, only with truthful shades of embarrassment on my cheeks. 

What would you do if your counters were stained? Would you call in reinforcements? Would you get some of your OCD friends and family to help you out with your counters? Or would you try to replace your counters with stain-proof counters altogether? 

In the meantime, I’m going to hope that the cleaning solutions I do have will work their magic if they are left on the counters overnight and that the stains will miraculously disappear before morning. Of course, that probably won’t happen, but a girl can’t help but dream a little, right?